1. Scales down, best friend. We could go anywhere and if someone bothered us, we'd tell them to go away. Bet you they'd listen! Bonus points that my best friend would also love to bask in the sun. These are just not things you should do with your boss.

2. Literally the only thing that could make my boss worse is giving her poisonous fangs. If a snake was my best friend I at least wouldn't lose my job if I stood on the furniture and screamed.

3. Just think of all the places they could fit, they could spy for me!

4. To help me defeat my enemies.

5. So, let's argue that both snakes are sentient. I had a run-in with a snake this weekend when I was brewing beer in my garage. It was an American Wheat. Not the snake, the snake was a black racer I think. So the snake tried to hide under my recycling bin next to the garage. This did not sit well with me, as I have a dog. I tried to move the bin and shoo him away, but I ended up trapping the very tip of the tail under the bin. This did not sit well with Mr. Snake, and we got into a bit of a Mexican standoff. I finally freed him, but he ran off super fast. My point is... If I pissed off the snake that badly due to a minor misstep, I can only imagine the ire of having a snake boss if I forget to submit my TPS reports on time. I go with Snake-Friend. Hands down on that reason alone.